So, ummm, this isn't going to hurt, is it? -- theFrey
You know...that outfit makes you fat. -- theFrey
So, how was your day, dear? Kill anybody interesting? -- theFrey
Well, Mr. Dark and Deadly, do you think just once
you could tell me something that the dead do do? -- theFrey
Say, Mister, can you do "Walk the Dog" or
"Around the World" with that thing? -- theFrey
Kai, be a snooky-ookums and use your brace to get me that
can on the top shelf? Urk...the...can...not....*gurgle* -- theFrey
Go ahead, make my day -- theFrey
So...um, Mr. Assassin, sir. do you like your job? How are
the benefits? -- theFrey
Geeze, pal. Could you come back later? The game just
started. -- theFrey
I don't care who you work for, Sir. In order to eliminate a
citizen of Redtape II, you must fill out these forms and submit them in
tripli...*thwack*...erk... -- theFrey
You are so dead, man... -- Wordsmith
I think you have split ends. -- Wordsmith
How can I get one of those di-VINE outfits? -- Wordsmith
Oh, was that your hairspray? Finders keepers,
m'man. -- Wordsmith
If I ever find that guy who keeps singing that
"Vaiyo-a-O" song, I'm gonna kill him. -- Wordsmith
Protoblood? What protoblood? *hic* -- Wordsmith
"Use every man after his desert and who shall 'scape
whipping?" Pah! What we need is justice! Do the crime, do the time, I say! --
Wordsmith
You cannot stop me!! I am inVINcible!!! -- Wordsmith
Your weapon? Well, I couldn't find the whisk, you see...and
then it sort of slipped into the bowl...and I couldn't find it again...but of course it
has to be somewhere in the souffle, right? No, don't touch that---! -- Wordsmith
I traded your cryopod for these magic beans... -- Wordsmith
Boy, you're really having a bad hair day, aren't
you? -- StormBorn
Waste somebody, Kai...c'mon, you know you want to. You
really, really want to... -- StormBorn
My back hurts. I think I need a brace--(zing)---YEOOOWWWW!
-- StormBorn
Stop! In the name of love! Before you break a heart... -- StormBorn
Yeah? Well, yo' mama was a Cuisinart! -- StormBorn
that outfit soooo does not compliment your skin and hair. --
Yayie
Hey, Vlad's behind you. -- Stan790
GOT YOUR NOSE! -- Stan790
What's that on your shirt? GOTCHA!! -- Stan790
Boy, are you ugly! -- Stan790
You useless sack of putrid decaying flesh! -- Lord Mantrid
Remember me? I'm Duke. -- DUKE
OF FIRE
You have a stupid haircut and your mama dresses you funny.
-- anotherthurman
Oooh, what's that thing on your wrist? -- anotherthurman
Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior? -- anotherthurman
Can I get fries with that? -- Logan55
Why is there a dead cat on your head? Oh, wait, that's your
hair... -- Azaelian
Are you the new lounge singer? -- Azaelian
That hair -- is that a wig? -- Azaelian
(gaping at his hair) "I've never seen so many split
ends in my life!" -- Azaelian
What, is that your only weapon? I was expecting
something bigger. -- Azaelian
Whose shadow? -- DalekTek790
Ugh! What crawled up in YOU and died? -- Metallissa
HEY...UGLY! -- xevlexx
Oh, I'm sorry...I didn't know that was your face... -- ClusterLzrdXev
I'm sorry, you looked cute from far away. -- Lyekka117
Whew! Apparently the dead also do not use deodorant!"
-- XevZev
I must brace myself....NO NO, I DIDN'T MEAN...'
*scree**THWACK!* -- PeridotEyes
I wish I were dead...NOOOO! *scree**THWACK!* -- PeridotEyes
Heeeey, Dollface! Howzabout you and me go back to my place
and I have myself a cold one? -- Sarcasmagoria
Dude, what's up with your hair? -- Sarcasmagoria
You once said you remembered liking strong women. Well,
there's a blonde in fetish gear outside, and she really wants to see you. -- Sarcasmagoria
Suck it up, girly man! The dead do not get out of latrine
duty on my watch! -- Sarcasmagoria
I just bet my buddy twenty bucks that your brace thingie
isn't real. -- Sarcasmagoria
Oh, pul-LEEZE! The whole Goth look is so five
minutes ago! -- Sarcasmagoria
Kai was a stripper. He was fired, though, when he refused to
get "butt naked and wild" with the screaming women. He became a hairdresser
afterward. -- sathena
A really unsuccessful lounge singer. I mean really, the boy
has no repertoire. -- theFrey
An assistan principal on the fast track to greater things.
He definitely had the "Do Not's" down pat. -- theFrey
A waiter at the Thud-Muffin coffee house and cafe. -- theFrey
An unsuccessful Act-Tor, which would explain his hostility
toward Actor Kai, who at least got a grant. -- theFrey
Male escort, oh wait...the topic is what was he, not what we
wish he was. Sorry. My bad. -- theFrey
Kai was a self-absorbed actor on an obscure Sci-Fi cable
program who is now blocking all memory of Season Three, er, I mean his former life. -- theFrey
With that outfit and the big button on his chest, I'd say
Traffic Cop. -- StormBorn
A mime. He used to pass out balloons at carnivals. -- StormBorn
Brunnen G had jobs?! What's the point of living forever if
you have to have a job? -- StormBorn
He was a Playgirl centerfold and was also Mr. March in the
calendar. -- Michele Christensen
Hairdresser, but of course! -- gobagirl
Poster boy for the evils of tanning beds. -- gobagirl
A hairdresser. I mean come on, not everyone could
do their hair like that! -- ClusterLzrdXev
(Some girls might wish) He could've been a male stripper. --
ClusterLzrdXev
Obviously he was a beautician. How else could he keep that
bun so flawless without hairspray? -- Azaelian
The guy who cuts bread. -- Stan790
A bad orthodontist (didn't you see his one brace?) -- Stan790
He was a TV star. he was in a show kinda like
"MacGyver," only Kai killed people ("KaiGyver" got higher ratings,
too!) -- Stan790
He thought up the Brunnen G's one liners. -- darkcrow23
Hairdresser. -- xevlexx
I still say he was a prostitute. -- xevlexx
Whatever his profession, he did it intensely. -- anotherthurman
Harpooner on whaling vessel (he has fond memories of
fishing, after all.) -- Wordsmith
Hairdresser (duh!) -- Wordsmith
Chippendale -- Wordsmith
Purveyor of folk remedies. "Bald spot? Just apply a
dead cat." -- Wordsmith
Pony Express rider. He carried messages on slips of paper
hidden in his hair. -- Wordsmith
Living mannequin (oh, the cruel irony of fate!) -- Wordsmith
Exterminator. "Specializing in Insects and Other Pests
that Lurk in Shadows." -- Wordsmith
Kai was a champion Chess player. Even after he was dead. -- DUKE OF FIRE
He was Mantrid's bitch. --
Lord Mantrid
I don't know, but he would have been a great addition to our
Cylon Empire. Cutting Colonial Warriors to ribbons, A GOOD THING! --
Col. Felgercarb
Professional traffic stopper. -- Sarcasmagoria
Swivel-hipped rock star and teen idol with the nom de plume
"El'viss." He retired but kept the hairdo. -- Sarcasmagoria
An incredibly evil ancient vampire who was a Roman general
before he was brought across. -- PeridotEyes
Blonde Club for Men: He's not only the owner, he's also a
client! -- xevlexx
Ruler of "Sex City" -- SBFH22
Enron accounting executive -- Amyzon
Used car salesman -- Amyzon
Microsoft marketing executive -- Amyzon
Loan shark -- Amyzon
Pope -- Amyzon
Gene Roddenberry (the guy in the red uniform must die!) -- DalekTek790
A really well trained Alaskan Husky who dreamed one day of
being top dog in a really, really warm place. -- theFrey
Chief fry cook at The Sizzler -- theFrey
An IRS agent. He did keep their credo of punishing people
who have made bad choices on their deduction declarations. Oh, and sometimes the good,
too, just because he can. -- theBrother
A bad musician -- Stan790
Yottskry, but they got Nigel because Malcolm is now too
expensive. -- Stan790
A used car salesman -- Stan790
Head of the ATF (remember what the Time Prophet says about
the future being the past?) (good point! -- Ed.) -- Stan790
Didn't you know? He was always Prince of Fire, dammit! -- Duke of Fire
Well, he worked the power plants until the former ruler went
missing. I was more qualified, but NOOOO!!! They picked the white haired one. THE EVIL
RULER ALWAYS HAS WHITE HAIR!!!! -- Duke of Fire
A useless sack of putrid decaying flesh. -- Lord Mantrid
How should I know? I was only in one episode of season 3! --
Lord Mantrid
John Ashcroft -- Sarcasmagoria
John Milton's muse -- Sarcasmagoria
Tabloid reporter. Nah, even Prince isn't THAT nasty. -- Sarcasmagoria
"They" in "that's what they say." -- Sarcasmagoria
The evil spirit that steals one sock from each load of
laundry in the dryer, leaving you with a sock that has no mate. -- Sarcasmagoria
Inventor of the "secret sauce" on Big Macs. -- Sarcasmagoria
Fine Art. Kai would add instant visual interest to any room.
- theFrey
Code Enforcement - A virutally unstopable agent, especially
since he doesn't eat, so he would never fear being fired for writing up a city council
man's slum lord brother-in-law. - theFrey
Persuading your English teacher you really did deserve an A
on that last essay. -- lexxkitten6779
Hurl him at the bad guys and run like Hell. -- StormBorn
Massage-on-demand...oooh! -- StormBorn
Rent him out to picked-upon adolescents. -- StormBorn
He slices! He dices! Take that, Juiceman! -- StormBorn
As an interesting accessory for your Goth home decor. -- StormBorn
To keep my bed cool on those hot summer nights. Yeah, baby!
-- Aurora
Breadcutter. -- Stan790
Coat rack. -- Stan790
Speed bump at Macy's -- Stan790
Jehovah's Witness repellent. -- Stan790
Alternative to blow up love doll -- Stan790
Ad: "It slices, it dices, it kills pesky door-to-door
salesmen...it's the Ex-Divine Assassin 500! And if you act now, you can receive a free
cryopod while supplies last." -- XevBellringerB3K
Sex toy, of course -- xevlexx
Eye candy -- xevlexx
Just stand there and look pretty -- xevlexx
Joke tester: "So then the rabbi says 'but I wasn't even
wearing any pants!'" "The dead do not laugh."...Okay, maybe not.
-- Sarcasmagoria
Sworn defender of the small and awkward in high schools
across the land: "Who's a pussy now, Punk?! Kai, give this one a swirlie." -- Sarcasmagoria
Sewing buddy: "Kai, could you cut this thread for
me, please? Thanks, Dollface." -- Sarcasmagoria
Rubbing my feet and feeding me chocolate. ;-> -- Sarcasmagoria
Names
for His Divine Shadow's Most Powerful Weapon of Destruction Before He Settled on LEXX
Willie -- theFrey
The Divine Jewels -- theFrey
HDS Winky -- theFrey
Mine -- theFrey
Big Shooty Thing - but then when the laughing died down (due
to the immediate cleansing of his general staff), HDS decided that this name wasn't quite
what he was going for. -- theBrother
It was supposed to be "The Tick," but he couldn't
get licensing rights. -- StormBorn
Final Fantasy MMLVI -- StormBorn
Fido -- StormBorn
The Death Mobile! -- Azaelian
Blow Up Machine -- Stan790
Death Star (HDS got sued for copyright infringement) -- Stan790
Paul -- Stan790
Democrat Converter -- Stan790
The Alan Parson's Project -- Stan790
BOOM!!!!! -- Stan790
Horatio the Really, Really Big Bug -- mellearyx
The Enron Valdez -- Aurora
The SS It's a Dragonfly, Dammit! Get Yer Mind Out of the
Gutter! -- Sarcasmagoria
The Cock n' Balls of Doom -- Sarcasmagoria
Geraldine -- Sarcasmagoria
The Osama -- Sarcasmagoria
Things
790 Can Do to Win Kai's "Heart"
Take a vow of silence. - theFrey
Reprogram the moth breeders to wash and style Kai's hair. --
theFrey
Talk Stan into upholstering the cryopod for Kai. -- theFrey
Develop and talk LEXX into producing a really killer hair
gel. -- theFrey
Find a way to reprogram Xev to lust after Stan and give poor
Kai a break. -- theFrey
The dead do not have...(sorry, had to say "the dead do
not") -- Hypatia
Offer to clean his brace. -- Hypatia
"Look at this brace warmer I made you, Kai. I made it
with my own brain chunk." -- Stan790
(Brings Kai a human heart) "Happy Valentine's Day,
Creamy Cadaver!" -- Stan790
"Hey, I got you a surprise. Necro-Viagra!!" -- Stan790
"They say imitation is a sign of flattery. So I got my
hair done just like yours. Well, I did kill someone to get it, but WHO CARES!!" -- Stan790
"Xev says your brace isn't big enough, but it's big
enough for me." -- Stan790
"You know, the mainframe uplink on the bottom of me
isn't just for wires." (*SNARF!* -- Ed.) -- Stan790
"All night by the Kai, Kai, All night by the Kai I did
stare. As he whispered 'dead do nots' to Xev, Man, I hope she gets mauled by a bear!"
-- Stan790
Buy him a new can of "Brace Polish -- The best for your
oh-so-important weapon of destruction. Don't delay! Order Today!" -- Azaelian
Enhance his image by getting a good ole polish with his jar
of rust and grime remover. -- Azaelian
Drive away all the lice on Kai's suit by belting out Britney
Spears songs." -- Azaelian
Buy Kai that tanning bed he keeps eyeing. -- Azaelian
Tell Kai who used up the last of his Herbal Essence
Conditioning Treatment. -- Azaelian
790 should get a tattoo on his face. That way, he and Kai
match! -- Azaelian
Um...build him a heart first? -- StormBorn
Build him a heart-shaped cryopod for Valentine's Day? -- Jack
"Hey, Baby! I promise I won't call anyone else a slut
or a bitch!" -- Nika
"I won't bother you!" -- Nika
"I'll shut up for once!" -- Nika
Hurl himself into a volcano after filletting Celine Dion
with a plastic ruler. Waitaminnit, this was supposed to go under "Things We Really
Want 790 to Do." My bad. -- Sarcasmagoria
Kai (in a low, husky voice): Take me, Xev. Take me now! -- theFrey
Kai: Cut it all off, Xev, I just can't take any more of this
d*** bun. I want a buzz cut! -- theFrey
Kai (turning to try and look behind himself): Stan, does
this outfit make me look fat? -- theFrey
Xev: Sure, Stan, let's get it on right now. -- theFrey
MM: Aw, come on Paul! Please, just one more season! -- theFrey
Stan: Ummm, not tonight, Xev. I have a headache. -- theFrey
790: You know, Stanley, I was wrong about you. You really
are a great guy. -- theFrey
Xev: I'm saving myself for marriage. -- DalekTek790
Time Prophet: Actually, that was something of a mistake on
my part. It's really a straight line. -- DalekTek790
Stan: I think we can settle this problem in a way that will
be beneficial to all parties, human and otherwise. This is a situation that requires
careful though. It is important that we consider all the possibilities before any action
is taken. -- DalekTek790
Kai: Ah, screw this! Just blow up the damn planet. The
sooner the LEXX gets some planet chunks to eat, the sooner we can head off to Nimbus 9. I
call blondes and cannibals! -- DalekTek790
Xev: Stanley H. Tweedle, I have never loved anyone more than
you, so let's get naked! -- Stan790
LEXX: And Prince's heart grew three times bigger that day...
-- Stan790
Mantrid: I destroyed a universe, but I didn't inhale. --Stan790
Stan: You know, 790, Kai is kinda hot. -- Stan790
Honestly, it's 790 keeping his mouth shut that will never
happen. -- Stan790
Kai: I can't take it anymore. I want you, Xev! Take me! -- xevlexx
LEXX: Well, that was obvious! -- xevlexx
"Look, I think of you as a friend and don't want things
to change." -- Stan -- Hypatia
"True love waits" -- Xev (scary thought!) -- Hypatia
790: Oh, Stan! You are the man of my dreams! -- comics_k
Mantrid: I never destroyed the universe! I never destroyed
the universe! -- Guppy
Kai: I want my mommy! -- Azaelian
790: All night by the Stan, Stan/All night by the Stan I did
cheer/ As he glared with sweet anger at Xev-bitch/While jamming Kai's brace in her ear -- Azaelian
Kai (sitting on Santa's lap): The dead want a new brace for
Christmas -- Azaelian
Kai: Save me, Stanley! -- Azaelian
Kai: I pity the fool who uses my AquaNet -- Azaelian
Prince: Whoops! Sorry about that. -- Princess
of Fire
LEXX: I'm afraid I can't do that, Stan -- Sarcasmagoria
Prince: Sometimes I just need a hug. -- Sarcasmagoria
Bunny: Not now, Mr. President. I want to finish this chapter
on quantum physics. -- Sarcasmagoria
Bunny: Ooh! I LOVE that turtleneck and knee-length A-line
skirt combo! Does it come in earth tones? -- Sarcasmagoria
790: Why Stan, you look absolutely STUNNING! Have you lost
weight? -- Sarcasmagoria
Priest: Blow it out your ass, Prince. -- Sarcasmagoria
Kai: Sheesh! Who do I look like, Bruce Frickin' Willis?! You
got yourself into this mess, you can get yourself out of it! -- Sarcasmagoria
