(Some may contain spoilerish information)
Other Things the Dead Do Not Do (contributed by theFrey) -- Posted November November 26, 2001
Ways in which Kai and Stan can "Male bond." (Contributed by StormBorn) - Posted November 14, 2001
Top Ways in Which TV/Movie Characters Could (and Should) Be More Lexxy (Lexxish?) (Contributed by Aurora) - Posted October 29, 2001
Decrees Issued by Pope Giggerotta (Contributed by Aurora) - Posted October 22, 2001
Top Things Kai is Thinking When Zev/Xev Kisses Him (Contributed by theFrey) -- Posted October 15, 2001
Speeches Kai Practiced Before Settling on "I've Killed Mothers With Their Babies..." posted October 8, 2001
Campaign Slogans for His Divine Shadow - Posted October 1, 2001
Jerry Springer-worthy Scenarios for Kai, Xev and Stan (contributed by Poe) - Posted September 22, 2001
Nicknames for Kai (topic contributed by StormBorn) - Posted September 7, 2001
Things Kai Should Wear (Special drooler edition, contributed by Lightning) - Posted August 31, 2001
Other Things the Dead Do Not Do
The dead do not do needlepoint, although Kai's brace makes a dandy crochet hook, which helps him in keeping his outfit in good repair. -- theFrey
The dead do not share their hair care products or tips. (Want proof? See Xev's mop.) -- theFrey
The dead do not like being laughed at in piano bars in Newfoundland. -- theFrey
The dead do not do anything they do not want to do at any particular moment. (So much for having no wants! Huh.) -- theFrey
The dead do not bring joy to the life of their petulant principal. -- theFrey
The dead do not take teddy bears into the cryopod with them. (But is it just me, or does Kai's outfit look suspiciously like woven strips of an old security blanket?) -- theFrey
Clean the LEXX toilets. Although they've been known to crawl through 'em. -- JLS
For having no emotions, the dead seem to look pissed a lot. -- xevlexx
"No, the dead do not cater Bar Mitzvahs. You have the wrong number." -- Hypatia
"No, Xev, the dead do not tell him you're not here. Find some other way to break up." -- Hypatia
The dead do not walk around in skin tight leather pants and no shirt. -- ClusterLzrdXev
The dead do not vote. (Though even if I were alive, I still wouldn't have voted for Reginald J. Priest.) -- Stan790
The dead do not breathe. (If that's the case, why could he whistle for a moth in season 3?) -- Stan790
The dead do not spit (if you remember last week's list). -- Stan790
The dead do not use hair gel. (It's hairspray all the way!) -- XevZev
The dead do not think about acting. (Instead, we kill annoying actors, such as Carrot Top.) -- XevZev
The dead do not feel. (But we DO feel UP, if you get my point.) -- XevZev
The dead do not do the Hokey Pokey. -- XevZev
The dead do not scream for ice cream. -- XevZev
The dead do not watch Disney animations. -- XevZev
The dead do not like green eggs and ham. -- Sarcasmagoria
The dead do not dance the Hootchie Koo. -- Sarcasmagoria
The dead do not sleep in the subway, darlin'. -- Sarcasmagoria
Ways in Which Kai and Stan Can "Male Bond"
Top Ways in Which TV/Movie Characters Could (and Should) Be More Lexxy (Lexxish?)
Carrot Top should be dead - and not reincarnated -- xevlexx
Angel - bun, braid and forelock. Let's see if it works for all darkly handsome, brooding dead guys or just Kai. -- Aurora
Willow and Tara dress totally Goth. They form a threesome with Spike, with Willow as the dominatrix. -- Aurora
From Will & Grace: "Grace, obviously you are hot and sultry, but I am gay, and for me sex with a woman is not even an intellectual concept" -- Jade
Norm Abrams shaves off his beard and grows a forelock instead. -- StormBorn
HGTV's Extreme Homes visits the LEXX. Heck, HGTV's Bed and Bath Design visits the LEXX! -- StormBorn
Kai is the musical guest on SNL, Leno and Letterman. -- StormBorn
The next season of Survivor strands eight contestants on Klaagya. -- StormBorn
The angels of Touched by an Angel start dressing in black and carrying braces. "Do good or <thwap!>" -- StormBorn
All starships in the Federation fleet get a makeover from former Bio-Viziers. -- StormBorn
Mickey Mouse could be an assassin mouse and kill other mice for the Divine Mouse while making it with Minnie Mouse (A Love Slave mouse programmed for pleasure), or is that too Lexxish? (One can never be too Lexxish! -- Ed.) -- Kai from Lexx
I often wondered what it would be like for LEXX to meet Voyager, two ships both with advantages over the other, and both completely different in almost all aspects. I think that would be interesting to say the least. (But the most important question is: would Stan get some nooky from Capt. Janeway? -- Ed.) -- Prince of Fire
Regis wants to shag Kelly, but Kelly is repulsed by Regis. The dead one will be played by Frank Gifford. -- Stan790
A movie starring Arnold Schwartzenegger where he plays a creature that is not a person or alive and there is a chick that kids butt and there is an enemy like Arnold but is more powerful and better. (Oh. There already is one. HAHAHA!!!!) (Hee! I say this with love, Stan790, but you're not supposed to drink the bongwater. ;-) -- Ed.) -- Stan790
After the LEXX blows up Earth, the theme from Battlestar Galactica starts playing as it drops out of warp speed and sees that they blow up Earth. Oh, and Cylons will be on their tail and the LEXX could settle on the Colony of 12 Ruins. -- Stan790
Girls should wear Cluster lizard costumes, hot guys wear black Brunnen-G costumes, and old ugly guys should wear Security Guard Class 4 hats. -- ClusterLzrdXev
Travel around in moths. -- ClusterLzrdXev
Put a bun and braid on Jennifer Anniston, and I guarantee that every mall rat in America will copy the look a week later. -- Sarcasmagoria
Sam Donaldson is already Lexxy in a Kai sort of way...after all, he's got really goofy hair and he looks embalmed. -- Sarcasmagoria
Put a red jumpsuit on Larry King. Something has to be done to ensure that he never, ever, ever has sex again. Ever. -- Sarcasmagoria
Jennifer Love Hewitt, J-Lo, Gwyneth Paltrow and Tom Green (among others) can be more Lexxy by selflessly donating themselves to the Protein Bank. -- Sarcasmagoria
NBC's short-lived but highly regarded buddy sitcom: Two Guys, a Girl and a Bug Ship -- Sarcasmagoria
Decrees Issued by Pope Giggerotta
I hereby decree that the Beans shall be imprisoned in the Electropolis Studios until such time as they produce fifteen completed Season Five episodes. And should the beautiful, petulant, pouty one refuse to extend his option, he shall be sentenced to be the keynote speaker at twelve conventions a year unto eternity! -- theFrey
Love thy neighbor, unless you can't stand them. In which case, eat them. -- Jade
From this day on, the Mass shall be celebrated naked. -- irini
All churches will get rid of those sad crucifixes and put the new St. Kai statues. -- irini
All parishioners will attend services in orange security jumpsuits with those cute little hats. -- irini
I am the Pope, you may kiss my ring then kiss my ass. -- irini
Xev holy cards with the 500 days of indulgence are now available. -- irini
I, Giggerotta, the new Pope, declare necrophilia a sacrament. -- irini
Lent has been cancelled. -- irini
Public flagellation is the new punishment for wearing too many clothes. -- irini
Beginning next Easter, human sacrifice will take place on Easter Sunday morning. The lucky lambs will be chosen by yours truly. So don't piss me off. -- irini
Out with the Stations of the Cross, in with the Stations of the LEXX. My personal favorite: the tongue toilet. Anyone wishing to leave a donation is welcome. -- irini
Drinks and those cute tiny little pizzas will be served in the sacristy behind the altar. -- irini
Attention everyone!! I shall replace Lent with Cannibal Day!!! -- Stan790
MMM! Humans. The Other White Meat. Oh, is this a decree? Well! You go make one yourself. I am busy eating Stanley's hand. Bring me more barbecue sauce!!! -- Stan790
All must get "giggy" with it. Sorry, couldn't resist! (Oh, but resisting temptation is so boring! -- Ed.) -- Hypatia Of B3K
Pope Giggerotta checks that "Donation of Constantine" thing out, but it wasn't a donation of a guy named Constantine. -- Hypatia Of B3K
Spice Girls invited to sing Mass. -- Hypatia of B3K
Human sacrifices will become a regular part of each Mass. Oh, and don't forget the Church Supper afterward. Save your fork! -- Sarcasmagoria
From this day forward, the Holy Eucharist shall be the body and blood of Chris. -- Sarcasmagoria
Hey, St. Malachy! I got yer Papal Predictions right here! -- Sarcasmagoria
Top Things Kai is Thinking When Zev/Xev Kisses Him
Let's see...I've gotta get the cryopod dusted...touch up my 'do...make sure my brace gets oiled...Good lord, is this woman never going to come up for air?!? -- theFrey
Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige. -- Logan55
The Dead do not French. -- StormBorn
B3K girls are easy. -- Hypatia of B3K
Damn codpiece, how do I take this thing off? -- Hypatia of B3K
The dead do not enjoy having the roof of their mouth licked. -- Hypatia of B3K
The dead do not experience...HEY! I thought up a new line! -- Hypatia of B3K
Hmm, mousse or spray? Mousse or spray? -- Hypatia of B3K
So I've been working for a bug for the last 2008 years... -- Hypatia of B3K
The dead do not get randy -- Stan790
WOW!! This thing works after 6000 years! -- Stan790
Interesting, Xev wants me to suck poison out of her again. But why is the poison on the tongue? -- Stan790
I am still dead. But I am sensing an unfamiliar sense of motivation. -- Kai From Lexx
How do I tell her I'm really attracted to dragonflies and the men who tame them? -- mellearyx
OK, we need selenium for Stan, old brains and ham, cute little bunnies for Lyekka, for 790's car a spare tyre, toothpaste for Xev and a loaf of bread. Hmm, that's about it. Oh, and definitely some breathmints! -- mellearyx
Eeew! Lizard germs! -- mellearyx
Should I tell her she has lizard lips? -- Paine
I kill you now in the name of His Divine Shadow. (Damn, she must be a lousy kisser! -- Ed.) -- I Am Vlad
She's got a tongue like a Cluster lizard and likes the taste of a dead man's tonsils. Woof! (thanks, Lord Flashheart) -- uberfrosch
I hope she won't muss my hair. -- ClusterLzrdXev
Oh...yeah...Ah!! Remember...you are dead, you are dead...MAN! WHY DO I GOTTA BE DEAD!? -- ClusterLzrdXev
Mmm...mmm...being dead sure feels good. -- ClusterLzrdXev
Wait a minute...the dead don't think...so...why am I thinking...MAN SHE'S MESSING WITH MY MIND! -- ClusterLzrdXev
Wellll, somebody's quite the little garlic lover, isn't she? -- Sarcasmagoria
Hey, if she keeps doing that thing with her hands she's gonna find out why they call me "The Stiff!" -- Sarcasmagoria
Speeches Kai Practiced Before Settling on "I've Killed Mothers with Their Babies..."
His Divine Shadow says "Hey! Have a nice day. 'Twappt!'" -- theBrother
You don't know me, but I'm dead...and now you're going to be, too. -- theFrey
I have killed...well, quite a lot of people, but why dwell on that? You're history, buddy. -- theFrey
Yo, pal! His Divineness is way totally pissed at you. Sorry, dude, but I'm gonna have to waste ya. -- theFrey
I have killed mothers with their babies, and lady, let me tell you, if you don't shut that kid of yours up right now, you two are next! -- theFrey
I have done this in the service of His Divine Shadow and his predecessors, and I have never once shown any...mercy. Oh, all right, if you must know, I did show mercy once. But it was just that one time...and she was this incredibly talented beautician...and I was having a really bad hair day and she had this really great setting gel that she said I just had to try..." -- theFrey
It took me hours to fix my hair just so I could kill you in style...so I wouldn't run if I were you 'cause I might not be nice about it. -- ClusterLzrdXev
I did have a speech...but I forgot it, so bye-bye -- ClusterLzrdXev
Kai's "rap" speech: "You're going down, yeah, down in flames, I be kickin' ass and takin' names. Word." -- 790
Kai's copyright violation speech: "My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father, prepare to die." -- 790
"To be, or not to be" - what kind of a question is that? *screeeeeee* *thwack* -- Logan55
I've killed politician's with their hookers... -- Stan790
I've driven too slow in the fast lane, I've talked loudly about my surgeries in public. -- Hypatia
Call me Kai. Some time ago... -- Hypatia
The original speech, deep-sixed by FarScape-lovin' SciFi execs began, "I've killed Muppets with their masters..." -- Aurora
I've got a family of voles living in my bun and I'm kinda cranky..." -- Aurora
I've killed people, lots of people. Even my boss! -- nice kai
I'm siiiinging in the rain...*skreee* *thwack!* I'm siiinging in the rain... -- Sarcasmagoria
Today is my day of death, the day our story begins...which I shall tell with an epic limerick. *Ahem* "There once was a dead guy from Brunnis..." -- Sarcasmagoria
I love the smell of protoblood in the morning! -- Sarcasmagoria
Campaign Slogans for His Divine Shadow
Hey, guys, did you know that the ladies dig the Dead? You too can be a chick magnet just like Kai! Become a Divine Assassin today, and be babe bait tomorrow! -- theFrey
Vote fascist for a two-hundredth glorious decade of total law enforcement! -- Uberfrosch
Hey, no people means no crime! -- Hypatia
HDS - No intern scandals, unless you count killing them to feed the Gigashadow -- Hypatia
HDS - Friend to necrophiliacs -- Hypatia
HDS - You'd never have heard of Kai without him -- Hypatia
Because thinking for yourself is overrated -- StormBorn
Lust after a Divine Assassin, or get decapitated by one - the choice is yours -- StormBorn
Why spoil a bad thing? -- StormBorn
He's not just the best choice, he's the only choice. And we really mean that. -- StormBorn
His Divine Shadow - vote for a cleansing new future! -- mellearyx
His Divine Shadow -- why settle for the lesser evil? -- Sarcasmagoria
Jerry Springer-worthy Scenarios for Kai, Xev and Stan (Contributed by Poe)
Kai, Xev and Stanley discuss their weird love triangle. Highlights? How Xev feels about Kai snogging Stan. -- theFrey
790 and Xev bicker over Kai. It turns nasty when 790 takes over the production manager's head set and commands him to "bitch slap" Xev. -- theFrey
The KEB'ers confront the LEXX scheduling director over the Iceland shoot. -- theFrey
"I'm cheating on you and I gotta confess." -- Lightning
790 and Prince reveal their love. -- Hypatia
Kai could use his brace to stop the chairs people throw at the crew. -- Hypatia
"Women who love 6,000 year old dead men" next on Jerry Springer. -- Hypatia
"I'm a transsexual necrophiliac robot head who sells timeshare on a giant insect." -- XevZev
"I am a 6,000 year old dead assassin that cheated on my robot head lover with a wrinkled security guard" -- XevZev
"I slept with my friend's robot head." -- XevZev
"I traded by best friend's hat for a can of hair spray." -- XevZev
"I'm a lesbian in a dead man's body" -- XevZev
"I'm not really an assassin - I'm a turkey masturbator!" -- XevZev
"I'm my own grandpa!" -- XevZev
"I know what you did last hummer!" -- XevZev
"You're dark, dead and delicious - I have a secret crush on you!" -- XevZev
Love triangles...790 accuses Xev of being the other woman. -- Lexxychic
For Stan...I'm a sex addict, but can never get any. -- Lexxychic
For Xev...Necrophilia, Women Who Love Dead Men -- Lexxychic
A butt raping alien carrot is the father of my love child. -- Spacecow
Stop your huffing and hussing, today we find out who's gonna get Kai's sweet lovin' -- mellearyx
You may look flash, but you're still trash - stay away from my man, er, corpse! -- mellearyx
"Divine Assassins and Their Mothers-in-law," next on Jerry Springer -- Sarcasmagoria
Stan, even after getting so desperate that he limits his woman criteria to "willing to shag anything," decides to have himself castrated instead of sampling the toothless strippers and trailer park honeys offered by the J-Man. -- Sarcasmagoria
Xev and 790 (who received a "stunt body" for the show) duke it out onscreen over Kai -- Sarcasmagoria
Nicknames for Kai (topic contributed by StormBorn)
Mm, mmm good. -- Lightning
Dead man of delight. -- Lightning
I thought "Kai-O-Licious" was a perfect nickname. Thank you 790! -- theFrey
Thud Muffin -- theFrey
Killer Kai -- theFrey
O Delicious Dead One -- theFrey
Mine. Well, okay, at least I wish it was his nickname -- theFrey
Kaisicle (yummy, sweet and cold) -- Aurora
Kai Pie (for my friend ML) -- Aurora
Honey Bun -- Aurora
The Green-Eyed God (or is that Michael's nickname?) -- Semiramis
Bunhead (and that's Mister Bun-Head to you, Stanley) -- Semiramis
His Divine Gorgeousness -- Semiramis
Brunnen-G Sweet Pea -- Semiramis
The Raggedy Man -- Semiramis
Mister Bucking Bronco (why else would he need a braid?) :::innocent look::: -- Semiramis
Frozen Meat -- Semiramis
An unstoppable ____-ing machine (verb supplied by mood) -- Semiramis
Hunka Hunka Freezing Love -- StormBorn
Cyber Crotch -- StormBorn
Popsicle Tongue -- StormBorn
Dead Man Walking -- StormBorn
Corpsicle -- 790
Divine ASS-assin -- 790
Muffin du Mort -- 790
The Delicious Dead -- Hypatia
Bunhead...no, bad idea -- Hypatia
Proto-Pumpkin -- Sarcasmagoria
Amtrak, for the massive number of people he's maimed and killed (Note to offended Amtrak employees: It's a joke. Deal.) -- Sarcasmagoria
Ol' Tall, Pasty and Handsome -- Sarcasmagoria
Fabulous Frozen F*cktoy -- Sarcasmagoria
Sexiest Man Undead (props to "People" mag. It ain't good for much else.) -- Sarcasmagoria
Things Kai Should Wear (Special Drooler Edition, Contributed by Lightning)
Everybody's going to say "birthday suit," aren't they? -- StormBorn
Nothin' but a loincloth and a gold armband. -- StormBorn
One word: kilt! -- StormBorn
Hey! What's wrong with black?! -- StormBorn
A clone body, so he and 790 can "get jiggy with it." -- StormBorn
Tighter pants. -- StormBorn
Anything that shows off that codpiece, baby! -- StormBorn
I suppose a leisure suit and sideburns are really out of the question, huh? I hope so! (Thanks for the mental image. NOT!! -- Ed.) -- StormBorn
A silk poet's shirt and tight black velvet trousers and thigh-high black leather boots and...and...goddammit, I'm drooling again! (Okay, now that makes up for list item #8. Yum! -- Ed.) -- StormBorn
Anything but "gangsta" jeans, puh-leeze! -- StormBorn
A "Kick Me" sign on his back. Just to test his reflexes, you know. -- StormBorn
A "Choose Abstinence" button? -- StormBorn
Drag. What the hell, why not? -- StormBorn
A bigger bun, dammit! -- StormBorn
Fewer women on his lap...unless one of them's me, of course. -- StormBorn
As least amount as possible. Ddrrooooooolllll! -- Lightning
Nothing but swim trunks. This could be good! -- Thunder
17th century crimson velvet frock coat, heeled shoes with rosettes, knee breeches, hair in ringlets and other suitable late 17th century accessories (based on thinking that MM would be marvelously cast as Thomas Blood <grin>) -- JLS
His hair. Down. -- Fireheart
A thin layer of sweat. -- theFrey
A different hair-do -- theFrey
Much tighter clothes. -- theFrey
Thin shorts and a muscle shirt. -- theFrey
A fig leaf. -- theFrey
His brace...and nothing else! -- Dreams Of Kai
Only a thong, obviously. -- Hypatia
A Hawaiian-print muu-muu. (Gah! My eyes!! -- Ed.) -- Hypatia
Thodin's pink miniskirt. -- Hypatia
Xev's barmaid costume (4.07) -- Hypatia
Fuzzy rabbit slippers. -- Hypatia
A towel. -- Aurora
A RED boa. Yellow was not his color. -- Aurora
Do the dead really need clothing? -- Aurora
A smile. (Wink, wink, nudge, nudge) -- Aurora
A promotional t-shirt for the movie "Dead Man Walking." -- Aurora
Anything except for that large bun on his head. How he even hold his head up is beyond me. -- Poe
A fine covering of oil and glitter a la Curt Wild in "The Velvet Goldmine." -- Sarcasmagoria
A tight, black mesh t-shirt, PVC pants, motorcycle boots and eyeliner. and his hair down. With crimson streaks in it and...Oh boy. Medic! :::thud::: -- Sarcasmagoria
Anything easily removable. -- Sarcasmagoria
Me. -- Sarcasmagoria